if you want to connect the dots, let go of your pencil

I have, in recent days, been “this close” * thumb and forefinger a nano-hair apart * to shutting down my blog for good.  “This is it,” I thought, and pondered a final posting featuring Kenny Loggins singing his song of the same name, amidst the soaring California redwoods (1993). I’m not yet putting out the “Closed” sign, but Kenny is here if the mere mention of his name awakens within you an indescribable Loggins Longing. (Yeah, you know who you are.)

Then, three things happened. (Well, actually more than three, but these seem most up for review.) First, a friend of mine ordered baby chicks and was looking for plans to build a backyard chicken coop. She didn’t want to sit at the computer, and asked if I had any such materials at my house, or at the small community library I have been birthing, or in the boxes of 6,000 additional books packed away at two locations in our tiny town. I found some books and magazines (without even cracking open one packed box), and when she gathered up the ones that spoke to her most, she declared me the “information broker” of our town.

And this pleased me greatly, in a deep and penetrating way.

Second, the arrival of the light. A new friend had visited recently and brought some pure beeswax candles (among other gifts of great delight). Then, several days ago, an old friend called somewhat out of the blue and asked if it would be all right to send me a gift of a beautiful candle from a shop we used to frequent. To which I graciously said, “Of course.” Then, the next day, someone called to ask if I wanted to receive the donation of a western-styled, contemporary chandelier for our local, nonprofit project. Naturally, I did. “Hmmmm,” I thought, “everyone is offering me the light.”

And this pleased me greatly, in a deep and illuminative way.

Barbara Marciniak’s book, “Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings of the Pleiadians” (also circa-early 1990s), has long been a touchstone for me. And of all the gems of wisdom and understanding contained within, I seem never to forget the very simple yet profound, “Information is light.” More than once, I have clashed with friends who perceived my hunger for information and truth as an uncomfortable probing or invasion. I suppose they never read the book.

Third, a newfound friend I met through the blogosphere sent me the link to one of the always-provocative and informative TED talks: this one, a 20-minute presentation by researcher/storyteller Brene Brown titled “The Power of Vulnerability.” I have just watched it, and laughed and cried and felt utterly seen and understood and inspired. Nod of the hat to KW for the tip, and kudos to Brene Brown, right here, who unflinchingly offers up her own courageous vulnerability. She is so engaging and deliciously authentic; the 20 minutes will fly by.

And, of course, this, too, pleased me greatly, in a deep and wholehearted way.

Which just goes to show you: As soon as you agree to lay down your pencil, there are untold dots to be connected. Just allow them to show up, like a photo developing in the darkroom. Give everything the time and space for which it yearns, and gently watch your old ways of struggle, trying, and desperation fall by the wayside. Embracing your own vulnerability is a very good place to begin.

11 comments

  1. Rachel, in reading this, I empathize wholeheartedly. I have been in the same position a few times since I began blogging. I watched those same Ted presentations – one was a fair while ago – and thank goodness they came to your attention.

    Vulnerability is certainly the key for me. When I admit my sense of “why am I doing this”, the Universe opens for me, too. I tend to drag it around like a sack of rocks until I wake up to allowing myself to feel “rocked out”. I have long been the one feeding and it is not easy to recognize my need to receive. When I do lay down the sack, I see, accept and surrender to the giving that surrounds me.

    When I admit to having a sack of rocks, I open with intimacy and am reminded of the spiritual blessings that come with allowing others to give.

    Your writing pulls sleeping giants from my soul. Your fingerprint, your path is uniquely able to touch me. I cheer, “Me too!”. I saved five of your poems that I use for encouragement. Here are two lines from “Today, remain fluid in all things…” Let’s see if you recognize these two lines:
    “Times to rise up strong and independent
    and times to sink to the floor in surrender.”

    I encourage you to trust that as you write for your soul’s survival, you feed many unknowingly. As souls speak, souls hear.

    Like

  2. Janet

    Thank you for the gorgeous gift your blog is to many, including me! And isn’t that Brene Brown talk just the best? Yes, yes, yes. Love to you my dear.

    Like

  3. Leslie

    OH! Rachel…how I love you Dear Heart. Something was laid down on Saturday…I could FEEL it. HOW LOVELY!! Then fear and worry was picked back up the next day. :O
    But given the taste of that delicious vulnerability and your sweet words this one is going ‘down’– getting comfortable with not knowing…relaxing into uncertainty. The only true adventure there is. The only adventure that would satisfy this heart. Thank you for not ending your blog…not yet. Almost though. :)
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  4. Brittaney

    Hi Rachel. Your blog was put into my life several weeks ago when you posted about the world needs ‘me’ now. I’ve visited daily since then to read & re-read posts.

    I come from a thinking preference (opposite being feeling) so I am not the best at expressing emotions, including joy, but I want to thank you and express my gratitude for your efforts you pour into this blog and for being open to see and understand the way the world/god/universe (read: whichever you have faith in) speaks to you.

    The end of your blog will be a sad day. I look forward to more of your posts.

    my sincerest regards,
    Brittaney

    Like

  5. Ben, souldipper, Janet, KW, Leslie, Brittaney, and Beth,

    Your collective wisdom, love, appreciation, and openheartedness have brought me to my knees. A rare occurrence, indeed: the poet’s words can add nothing. Blessings to All…

    Like

  6. Akasa

    There are many mansions in my Father/Mother’s House Dear Rachel…and the doorway to your mansion is always so full of light and wisdom. Please leave the door open wide for those of us who need to walk the halls…us wanderers who eternally seek the candlelight.

    I wholeheartedly agree with Leslie!

    I truly know where you are though, as I have been considering the same thing myself these last weeks…I have opted to just ‘be’ for now and let things unfold as they will.

    Good to hear you met Brene’ Brown Precious One!

    This little light of mine….I’m gonna let it shine! Keep on shining Sister!

    Cascading Blessings and Lots of Love,
    Akasa

    Like

  7. Dear Rachel,

    Recently I was at the hospital (my husband had knee surgery) when a volunteer clown came in. Go away, I thought. You aren’t funny, I thought. She asked me, “Would you like a brownie?” No, I don’t eat wheat. “What about him?” No, he’s not big on sugar. “Oh, well take this anyway.” The sixty-something clown held out her hand, smiling under a fake red nose. I politely accepted the brownie, I would give it away. But when I looked in my hand there was a letter. A cut out of the letter “E”. It was brown– a brown “E”.

    I am still laughing. Rachel, I hope someone gives you a brown-E today, or someday soon. You can’t stop writing, you might as well blog. Even if its bad, sad, gloomy, dusty, shallow or long, people will always read what you write.

    Love to you, Holly

    Like

  8. Akasa,

    You are such a never-ending river of joy, Sweet Sister. My prayer is that your challenges are easing and that your hearth continues to shower you with warmth and light. Infinite hugs to you…

    HollyB,

    LOL, girlfriend. Actually, I would have gone for the chocolate…(-; You just won’t stop rocking my world now and then, will you? (I hope not!) Much much love…

    Like

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